Groucho Marx once said any club that would admit him wasn’t worth joining.

Marx was Jewish, of course, as am I, along with many of the characters in my novel, The Solomon Scandals; and I’m curious if the same logic might be behind rabbis’ traditional reluctance to convert nonJews without sufficient preparation to join our more-than-4,000-year-old  club. Nothing like some creative snobbishness and a little exclusivity, eh?

Whatever the case, Leonardo DiCaprio might become Jewish despite the barriers, so that if nothing else, he can marry his girlfriend, an Israeli super-model and actress named Bar Refaeli.

Some inspiration for Barack Obama? Granted, he already has Michelle, a fellow Christian; but romance is not the enticement here for Obama to study up to become Chosen. Nor is the late Sammy Davis’s conversion, an African-American-related precedent.

Here are the five top reasons for President  Obama to start cracking the (holy) books and convert:

1. Millions of Americans still mistake Obama for a Muslim. Would they feel the same if they regularly saw TV shots of him coming out of a temple and  wearing a skull cap?

2. Next time Helen Thomas spouted nonsense about the Jews owning everything, Obama could exchange some friendly chitchat about her White House press corps days, then make a credible offer to buy her out.

3. In the other direction, Obama could use the “I’m one, too,” angle to better cope with the more zealous members of the Israel lobby.

4. If, as Ms. Thomas says, the Jews own Congress, then a conversion would be the ultimate way for the President to reign in a Republican-dominated House of Representatives next year. Which counts more—mere party labels or the omnipotent Zionist conspiracy?

5. Incoming Majority Leader Eric Cantor (left photo) might actually agree to attend the Obama Sedar.

I’ll issue a Satire Alert for the unsuspecting, but, look, I’ve lived in the D.C. area for decades and, based on past bizarreness, I’m prepared to rule out nothing.

Just this week, Danny Bloom, known to SolomonScandals.com readers as author of a newspaper obit song, told me that a Virginia Beach rabbi named Israel Zoberman had given the Obamas a copy of Bubbie and Zadie Come to My House, a children’s Hanukkah book that Danny wrote.

Where will the Zionist conspiracy stop? Here’s a twist. What if two Obamas in fact convert to Judaism, but not Barack and Michelle; rather, their daughters, Malia Ann and Natasha?

More seriously, the happiest of holidays—Hanukkah, Christmas, Ashura and otherwise—to all readers of the novel and  SolomonScandals.com!