Jonathan Stone, the reporter in The Solomon Scandals, has located a few entries from the secret diary of Tony Hayward, the BP CEO. Here they are with links helpfully inserted by Stone, lest anyone distrust the truth-seekers at BP. Dug up any entries yourself? Share ‘em, if you’d like. – D.R.

I find those pictures of oily pelicans to be offensive—what a horrific demonstration of rank American sentimentality! The clean-up of live birds is a disturbing example of badly allocated resources. A far more utilitarian approach would be to slaughter the pelicans, spray them off and sell the meat, as is said to have happened in the American state of Alabama during the Great Depression. The going price was one dollar a pelican and, with inflation factored in, would be higher today. A new revenue stream for us! While the taste wasn’t optimal, it is important for those Americans inconvenienced by the spill to have realistic expectations and live within their means. Better that BP prosper so that our pensioners in the UK can afford their fish and chips.

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Why are those rude Yanks knocking me for my yachting during the spill? I mean, get a life—and let me enjoy my own! My only regret is I didn’t know far enough in advance that  Representative Joe Barton would be apologizing for the American government’s shameful treatment of BP, so I could have flown him in as a guest! So the guy had to backpedal. Doesn’t matter. Joe, you truly are my American friend.

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I am a big fan of transparency in U.S. politics. The glory of it is that BP and others in oil are never at a loss as to whom to approach. Right away we knew that John Podesta, Jamie Gorlick and Hilary Rosen would make superb go-to people for truth-minded public officials. What’s especially heartening is that despite all of Obama’s rhetoric, the Minerals Management Service didn’t overwhelm us in the past with oppressive regulations to the extent that many believed. I look forward to future successes. I’m a people person. Better that the money go to BP’s friends than that we overindulge in “safety” measures. I’m sick of talk of lockdown sleeves. What we need are more campaign donations to lock down potentially meddlesome politicians.

Note: For the sake of consistency, I am using American spelling. But let there be no doubt! The above is genuine Tony. – D.R.

Related: James Fallows’ “Beat Tony Hayward” Contest.